Friday, 11 August 2023

Invisibility hurts

Back in 2016 I wrote this. 

I was inspired to start writing this blog because of the utterly overwhelming response I received to a recent facebook post (see below).  

In all honesty I wrote that because I was fuming and upset.  I just had to vent. I truly had no idea the emotional impact it would have.  I cried when I read your replies.  I think I had allowed myself to believe that I had become invisible and no longer mattered.
So here is the post that started it all......


After a weekend of being unable to walk.....
I wish I could say I made the right decision going to A&E. Not so.

**It's a long post. Fair warning. **

As some of you may know my quality of life has taken a nose dive over the last few months. For the past 4 months now I tend to only leave the house for hospital or doctors visits.
I put up with A LOT of pain. Trying this combination of pills, then the next.
The ones recommended by my pain consultant are not covered by the medical card and cost hundreds a month. In fact I think the chemist was quoted €1000 for one of them.
I've been turned down for hardship funding twice now.
So I go without. Relying on pain killers. Trying with all my might to avoid opiates (morphine).

I struggle on. Staying in bed most days. It takes an awful lot for me to admit I can't take it any more. I avoided going to A&E all weekend as I knew in my heart how those with chronic pain get treated. I was in bed. Crawling to bathroom. Unable to walk.

I held out hope though. When I hobbled into my GP yesterday. Barely able to put weight on my left leg. Unable to use crutches due to wrist pain. No wheelchair, sure how can Brian push 2 of us? I couldn't push myself anyway.

She took one look at me and said I needed a few days in hospital for pain control and a regime put in place that might actually for me.

So I went. Letter in hand.

I sent the boys home. I knew I would wait. But not prepared for the reality of what it would do to my poor body.
It was freezing and drafty. The chairs hard wood.

I ended up spending 5 hours sitting in A&E waiting room. I was stoic for a couple of them. Keeping my mask in place. I don't usually let people see the real suffering. By the 3rd hour I was crying in agony. I could not walk to get attention.

When staff did come out they looked at me crying and said nothing. I'm so ashamed of my former colleagues. I would NEVER have ignored someone in agony. I fully understand the pressures of the ED. I have worked there. However, I am proud to say I never ignored someone who was suffering. If I was too busy I went back or asked a colleague to.
I can't imagine this would have happened if I'd gone to my local hospital.
The reason I didn't was to access rheumatology and pain services. Pah!

The honest truth is I ended up calling Brian to get me as the pain after the 5hours and the sitting and cold had caused my muscles to spasm. Not forgetting my original pain of course. Inhumane is a word that springs to mind.

I got home to my own bed. Made my own decisions on my medication (not something I advocate but I do have a lot of experience and knowledge to draw on) I actually slept.
I am now covered with heat pads. Waiting on Brian to tip me into a bath.
My order of CBD (cannabinoid), that I saved for, arrived just now.
Omg such joy!! It might bring me out of spasm.

The pain is still there. Friends are telling me to go back.
I'm scared. That's the honest truth. I'm still debating.......

I truly feel for all my fellow chronic pain sufferers who fall between "majors" and minors"

Love and gentle hugs to all
❤❤❤❤❤

If you got this far. Thank you.
If you want to share my story please feel free.
Let's hope something changes so that those in such pain are not invisible any more.

#invisibilityhurts 



Sunday, 9 June 2019

Trigeminal Neuralgia- Face ache and then some.

As with so many of my chronically ill buddies we generally don't have just one illness.
(Why have one when you can have a bumper pack hey!?)
Thankfully though, they generally don't all peak at the same time, (don't even want to think about that) but for me it is quite common to have a few joining in at once.
My constant companions being, of all over pain from my Fibro, open wound feeling from my nerve pain, plus various ME symptoms being my "usual" companions.
So, when one of my lesser ones rears it's ugly head it's generally met with an eye roll and a loud groan.
Tonights joy is Trigeminal neuralgia. For a proper description see link below. ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️ (It's a challenge being eloquent during an attack).

There are a few symptoms of this horrible condition.  So far I've actually been "lucky", as it presents for me as a deep aching, burning sensation down one side of my face into jaw.
Thus imagine my surprise when whilst rubbing my poor cheek I got one of the more typical "shock" feelings usually associated with TN.
Oh. My. God. This was a cry out loud, eyes on stilts, moment.
A WHAT THE F@#K WAS THAT!!??? Moment (whilst knowing exactly what it was).

Thinking noooooo I most certainly don't want THIS monster adding to my current TN experience. Believe me this face ache is horrible enough.
It's a bit like after dental work where the anaesthesia is wearing off, so your face is stinging yet numb at the same time along with aching badly from being drilled and having your mouth open for hours but instead of being just one tooth it's them all on one side. There's more to it but as I said, eloquence isn't in my wheelhouse tonight.

Back in Ireland my pain doctor had prescribed Lidocaine patches which I would cut up and stick on to my face (a great look for scarring your child).  If you  get hosuffer can yourself with TN I'd certainly request them from your neurologist or pain doctor.  I find them more effective than a Lidocaine cream because you have to rub the cream in and keep applying it which sets off more pain.
Sadly however, now I'm living in the UK, my NHS trust does not provide these  patches so I'm down to my last few trying to cut into the smallest pieces I can get away with, position my wheat pack against it and trying not to touch it or move.

Do you know what though, I'm actually LUCKY! I know, crazy talk right, but for some people, that single zap that I'm talking about is their EXISTENCE!

It may only last a second per Zap but believe me it takes your breath away.
Imagine getting those Zaps ALL THE TIME. Runs of them. One after the other after the other. I shudder at the thought.
Triggers can be simple things like cleaning your teeth, touching your face (as I proved to myself), even talking! Attacks can last hours, weeks or months.

TN is another invisible illness that is a quality of life vampire. Where it's sufferers (unless mid attack of course, because it's pretty obvious then that they're sick), tend to look healthy.

As with so many invisible illnesses ignorance remains a major obstacle to sufferers.

Diagnosis can be hard to get, especially if you don't fit the narrow documented criteria.
My own diagnosis was a tentative one as I (up until now) presented with atypical symptoms. At least I'll be able to go back to my neurologist and say I've got my "proper" TN badge.

There is good news though!! When you've got this precious diagnosis there is treatment available.
This ranges from  pharmaceutical options  (but thanks to my chemical sensitivity, I'm unable to tolerate 95% of meds so instead I'll be reaching for my CBD oil and vape),  to surgical procedures that can mean relief for many sufferers.

After writing this I went on to have a few more zaps. Then back to the face ache/soreness topped up with bone numbing fatigue.
I've actually slept today away.

Thank goodness my husband is so good. Helping me and minding our SN son.
I'm now hoping it will go back in its cave.

I will be going back to my Bowen as soon as funds allow as I'm sure that's the reason I'd not had a TN attack or migraine for 6 WEEKS!!

Anyway, as always, thank you for reading.

Sending gentle hugs to all who need them.

Remember #invisibilityhurts so share share share.

Awareness is key. 💜❤️💚💙
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/trigeminal-neuralgia/symptoms-causes/syc-20353344

Tuesday, 2 April 2019

An intimate horror

There are many invisible illnesses. None quite as intimate as Vaginal Mesh Injury.

The use of mesh was banned last year following increasing numbers of reports about debilitating effects felt after its use.

https://news.sky.com/story/vaginal-mesh-surgery-suspended-in-england-over-risk-of-life-threatening-injuries-11431613

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c7z4n8xjz27t/mesh-implants

Don't know what it is? Put VERY simply it's a super fine mesh that is basically used as a patch to cover a weakened area / hole in tissue that is allowing a prolapse to occur.

Great idea in theory but sadly for some it's a life changing horror.
Why? Because even if the body rejects it by its very nature the bodies own tissue knits into it making it impossible to remove without further damage to the affected area.

Frequently reported complications from transvaginal mesh include chronic pain, infection, bleeding, pain during intercourse, urinary problems, and exposure of the mesh through the vagina. This mesh in some cases can gradually dislodge from the vaginal wall and move into surrounding tissues and organs.

It was a small triumph when it's use was banned in England because this meant that more people would not suffer the same fate. Today however we see it reported that NICE guidelines are allowing it's use once again albeit under strict specifications.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-47735253

Similar meshes are used for rectal prolapse as well as hernia repair so men are also at risk too.

The onus is on us, the potential patient, to research fully and to reject this as a treatment option.
Please please share this with your loved ones. We need to shout very loud about this.
Sending very gentle hugs to all you warriors out there ❤️❤️❤️❤️
#invisibilityhurts 

Monday, 11 February 2019

I'm not "just" tired.

As you know I usually talk about my primary condition, Fibromyalgia. However, like so many other sufferers, I have multiple conditions as well as Fibro. 

CFS/ME, Migraine, Trigeminal Neuralgia, to name just 3. All of these come and knock me down regularly.

Yesterday CFS came and kicked my ass. It's always there lurking and keeping me from functioning but every now and again it TOTALLY FLOORS me.

As soon as I woke I knew I was in trouble. I always wake fatigued and in pain but this was on another level.
I could barely lift my head. I had to try and get up on an elbow to take my meds but the effort of doing this even with a straw for my water was more than I could handle. I physically collapsed back on the bed. Huffing and puffing like I'd run a mile, 
Immediately falling asleep.

I couldn't hold my phone, couldn't even prop it up and type (like I'm doing today).
My body, head to toe felt like it was encased in lead. Even breathing was an effort of will as my chest wall felt heavy.

I wobbled on unsteady legs holding onto my husband and the walls to get to the bathroom.

I was unable to eat. In order to get some nutrition I had a protein shake sipped through a straw.
Then back to sleep. Keeping my eyes lids open was an effort.
So I slept.

Our bodies use energy for EVERYTHING. When healthy we take these for granted and don't give it a second thought. 

Every cell in our body needs energy to do it's job. To breathe in and out. To swallow and digest food, to move a limb, and so on.  These things are done automatically with our brains in charge running us like a well oiled machine.

When someone has CFS/ME the energy storage and release is out of order. The brain doesn't do things with ease and without thought. Everything is an ordeal.


Thankfully, after 24 hours sleep. Of being unable to stay awake long enough to even talk to my son, let alone play with him, I am feeling marginally better.

Today I am able to stand on wobbly legs.
Walk holding onto walls to bathroom.
Today the phone is propped on my leg as I type. 

I know some sufferers of severe CFS feel like I did yesterday 24/7 and my heart truly goes out to them. 
It's so incredibly scary having your body fail you completely.

So I ask, if you know someone with CFS/ME  please do not think of it as them just being a bit tired.  This is SO much more than just needing a bit of rest. This is complete and utter system failure.

Your friends or family that are affected need your understanding and support.

Not phrases like "a nap and you'll be grand",
"You just need to get a bit of fresh air" and the old "you need to get out more and do some exercise".
Believe me I would LOVE to be able to get out for a walk with my boys, be able to do ALL the things I used to take for granted.

So please, before you speak, just, think.

Thank you for reading.


Gentle hugs to all ❤️❤️❤️

Saturday, 9 February 2019

Postcode Lottery for pain

I'm sure you're all well aware of the stories you've heard about people being unable to access the healthcare they need due to wear they live? 

Today saw me experiencing this for the first time.
Some of you may not know that my family and I relocated to UK from Ireland last summer and as such I've been having to start the whole health care thing all over again. 

So far it hasn't gone to plan, today proving this once again.
If it wasn't so painful the conversation would've been laughable 

Today's appointment was with Community Pain Services in Poole, Dorset. I'd been nervous about it hoping for an understanding doctor.
I must say she was that. The consultant was absolutely lovely. Very compassionate and, yes, understanding.
I gave her my collection of letters from previous consultants that detailed what treatment I'd tried and what the plan was going to be had I not moved.
She was open and interested in all my ideas from Low Dose Naltraxone to (of course) Medical Cannabis. She was interested to hear how I'd got on with Nabilone before (Nabilone is synthetic THC basically). Sadly I had to explain that although I had consultant prescriptions I was unable to obtain the drugs under the GMS system in Ireland and couldn't afford to pay the thousands I was quoted privately.
There I sat thinking omg this is actually going to be proactive. We will find something that works!!
Then she said the few words that would become her mantra for the rest of the appointment.
"We don't do that here / not available on NHS"
We discussed lignocaine infusion that I'd had with minimal relief and how the next step was Ketamine infusion, all along she's nodding.... "but we can't do that here".  Turns out that the trust doesn't do Ketamine. I'd have to get referred to Bristol pain services!!! Ah sure, only 5 hours away 臘.
Then onto LDN "not available on NHS" , Nabilone "not available on NHS" and of course Cannabis is "Not available on the NHS", even lignocaine patches are not available on the NHS.  Or rather not available on the NHS HERE!
"So how can I help you?" she asked. I actually nearly laughed.
We agreed that all the things that could be beneficial are not within her power to deliver.
She was however going to ask my GP to prescribe lidocaine cream...do they do it in buckets I wonder?? Small win but a win none the less.
So where to from here??
I do plan on writing to the trust to challenge their pain management provision because apart from the lidocaine cream the only other thing she could suggest was the "pain management program".
For those that don't know this is usually a 6 week or so program where you have to attend and sit in a room for a full day and learn about your pain and how to manage it. 
I've already done "retrain my pain" course, seen psychiatry (who incidentally documented how my depression was BECAUSE I'm in pain 24/7 and NOT in any way causative), try to practice mindfulness etc etc. Besides that I'm not physically ABLE to stay out of bed all day let alone travel to a class and sit all day.
Now I'm not dissing it as for some I've heard that it can be useful.
It's not THE answer though.
Practically though it was clear that my only option was to go private.
However like so many chronically ill this is simply not an VIABLE option. A lot of us scrape an existence, so private healthcare is simply a pipe dream.


Saturday, 15 September 2018

A day in the life of a fibro warrior

Before I even open my eyes the pain hits.
Before my brain acknowledges the pressure sensors in my bladder the pain hits.
Before I move a single muscle....see where I'm going?

I lie in bed in agony with my eyes shut dreading the first move I need to make. 
The first move every day is the one for my medication tower.  So with gritted teeth I prop myself up on my screaming shoulder to shovel my morning meds into me. Gone are the days where I used to have to take them one by one, for fear of them getting stuck,  these days I have the skill to swallow 8 pills at once, some skill eh?!

After the effort of pill taking I collapse back on my pillow trying really hard not to groan and moan. This morning it was 6.30 so I really don't want to wake my partner as he will have a long enough day as it is.
The next battle is the one of bladder vs pain killers. Which one will win?
Every day I cross my fingers that it will be the pills because if not it will be the agonising hobble to the bathroom with full on accompanying sound track of moans and groans. 
The bathroom visit feels like an extreme sport. 
Today I held out for 45mintes, woohoo!  At least my meds have started to kick in before I have to put my sore feet on the floor.

Then it's back to bed.

Already exhausted.

Every day the same but every day I'm still surprised by how shit I feel. 
I mean how can EVERYTHING hurt?!
Makes no sense to my nurse brain.
On nights where I've slept well I blame that for some of the pain (from lying in one place for a while longer than I can normally tolerate), but then nights like last night when I had to take pain killers in the middle of the night, it puts pay to that theory. 
I really do feel sorry for my fiance trying to sleep next to me as I must change position every hour, often more frequently if I'm honest.   I'm lucky he still wants to marry me lol (next month! Woohoo!)

By 8.30 I was grateful for my CBD (Cannbidiol) and was at least able to nod off again.

Sadly I was unable to move enough to get up with my darling son.  This is the same 99% of the time. Cue Mummy Guilt.

It seems like my day is ruled by the clock as by 10.30 I'm thinking I could take another dose of pain killers... starting to think how to plan the rest if the days doses as I've now had 2 out of my 4 doses and it's not even midday.
I just about manage get out of bed to say goodbye to my boys as they head out for a while.
What do I do? 
Collapse back into bed. 
The pain is easing by now but I'm exhausted.... thinking about what i might be able to do today....

It's now 12.30. I've been sat on my gym ball for a while doing some stretches and now feel able to move.

No shower or hair wash today, oh no no no. That would put me back to bed for sure.  Plus I cringe at the thought of the water hitting my skin.  It's like hundreds of needles stabbing me. 
Today I'm going with my staple Dry Shampoo and baby wipe combo! 
There's a gift idea for you carers lol
Oh AND CHOCOLATE don't forget chocolate 😂
So half way through the day and I've just got dressed (tracksuit bottoms,  inside out knickers, stretchy seamless bra top and inside out t shirt), and opened my curtains. In that order you'll be pleased to know.  Wouldn't want to scare the neighbours.
Having a quick lie down as a bit knackered from the getting clean and dressed malarky.  Had another dose of CBD and wondering what I might manage this afternoon.  The sun is shining....a drive out in the car maybe,  walking is not going to happen today so it's my scooter or stay in the car.

Anyway I think you get my point by now. You don't need me to give you a blow by blow account of the rest of the day.

The point I'm trying to make is that our pain is not your normal pain.  Remember we've more Substance P in our body's so Fibro suffers feel 10x more pain than the norm.
It's also global,  it's not a case of having a sore back,  or a sore hip.  It's a case of having a sore back,  painful hips,  shoulders,  arms,  wrists,  neck,  toes,  ankles, soles of bloody FEET ffs,  you get the picture.
Add to that our fatigue.
We are not just tired.  This illness is EXHAUSTING.
I didn't sleep particularly badly (for me) either last night, thank you CBD ❤. However with fibro we don't get to the big deep restorative sleep level so we wake up exhausted.
This exhaustion only serves to amplify the pain. 
Of course there's more too it than pain and fatigue but I've kept you long enough.
A big thank you for taking the time to read this far. 

If you're a warrior then this will resonate with you I'm sure.  Share this so maybe your friends and family will understand.
If you LOVE a warrior I hope this will give you some insight, a million thanks to you for caring enough to read this blog.  It means A LOT

Much love and gentle hugs to all
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Thursday, 19 July 2018

A good news story (for a change)


It's so nice to be able to write a positive blog for a change.

To recap:
We were made homeless in Ireland. 
Let down by the system completely. 
To be honest both me and my partner were at breaking point. 
The very real possibility of being on the street was horrific. 
I'm in enough pain in my bed 20 hours of the day... take that bed away from me,  along with roof, it didn't bare thinking about. 
That was beforeI even right of my 4yo on the street....

So we decided to STOP.

STOP looking for houses for a while. 

STOP the constant rejections when landlords didn't choose us. 

STOP begging for the help that should be offered.

STOP being made feel like utter crap. 

We will probably be judged for doing this but tbh our mental and physical health was in too much danger to do anything else.

Instead, we took the decision to pack up or remaining possessions, (after we had sold or gave away the majority) and head to the UK for some much needed respite.

We are staying with my parents. My son is absolutely LOVING being with his grandparents, and we are finally not fighting all this shite alone. 

We don't know where we will end up but we did decide that there was something proactive we COULD do. 

We are GETTING MARRIED ❤

We've been engaged for years but been waiting on the divorce (that made us homeless funnily enough) to be able to do so.  

The old clichè We don't have much but we have each other, couldn't be truer.

Obviously it's not going to be a lavish affair,  a small registry office "do" is the plan. 

I'm currently having fun whilst lying in my bed seeing what bargains I can find.  It's amazing what's out there. 

I don't know how I'll cope with the Day itself but I'm hoping a late seated Ceremony and relaxed evening will be doable.

I'm going to pimp up my walking stick and may even pimp up my scooter with some just married stuff lol

If any of you reading this have any tips I'd love to hear them. 

Anyway, as always,  thank you for reading. 
Remember we can't give up people, we HAVE to keep fighting.

Gentle hugs and much love to all
❤❤❤jojo❤❤❤

Tuesday, 15 May 2018

I'm Done

I'm sad.
I'm dejected
I feel thoroughly let down.

Why?

Some of you may not know of the struggles my family are facing aside from my health issues.

My partner got divorced last year and was ordered to sell the house. 
Pretty standard I guess. 

What's not standard is us having nowhere to go.  Nowhere.

I've lived in Ireland for 15years. Brian is Irish as is our son. 

The Irish government has failed us. 

Last year when we first learned of our fate we engaged with the council and the Simon community. 
All the time when we asked "what if we don't find somewhere?" We got the reply "that won't happen" time and again.  As the months passed and we were getting knock back after knock back "That won't happen " "you'll be fine".
Well 12months later and guess what!!??

It HAS HAPPENED and we are NOT FINE.

We've travelled for countless viewings, meetings in Wicklow council (an hours journey is no fun for me I can tell you), filled out forms galore (not an easy task for either of us with our health issues), begged for help,  been on the radio,  in the paper,  written to MP's, appealed for help from councillors.
EVERYTHING

Now we are done.  At the end of our rope.
Totally failed by the Irish government. 

HAP does NOT WORK. I believe it's hard for family's who are working but for us? Nope.
Nobody wants a disabled woman,  her child and her carer who's only income is benefits (which have been fought very hard for,  still awaiting appeal decision on latest one but that's another story).  Landlords aren't legally allowed to discriminate but we are proof it happens.
This all falls firmly at the government's door.
Their lack of social housing let alone housing suitable for those with special needs is at the heart of all this. 

So now with a court summons sitting on the kitchen table we are selling our worldly goods (including said kitchen table).

There is NOWHERE to go here in Ireland.  We have no choice but to go for respite in the UK with my aging parents and hope you God we can return to Ireland to a suitable home for my family. 
We simply cannot take any more. 
My health has suffered enough. 

This morning saw email number 4 sent to Simon Harris this year. The previous 3 having gone unanswered. 
He is our local TD and
I've been in touch with him since last year, we can see how much good that has done. 

Anyway. 

You see now why I've not been writing my blogs as much as is like.  I've so many reviews to do.  A whole host of blogs on CBD to write. For now though that's all on the back burner. 

Thanks for reading and gentle hugs to all. 
Keep fighting my unicorns ❤

Friday, 27 April 2018

Cannabis: part 1 "What is CBD"

CBD (Cannabidiol ^canna-bid-i-ol) is one of the many compounds found in the amazing cannabis plant, called Cannabinoids.
There are over 100 of them and they all work together in harmony to create what is known as the Entourage effect.

Cannabis and Hemp both come from the same extended family.
Hemp is useful for industrial purposes and has numerous uses but also has high levels of CBD and extremely low levels of THC making it profitable to grow large amounts of it.
Cannabis plants tend to be much higher in THC and can fall into 3 categories Sativa, Indica or a Hybrid of the two. (Hemp is usually Sativa or Finola)
Sativa products are generally more stimulating, whereas indica and hybrids tend to be more relaxing.
(There are always the exceptions though where people fall outside of this norm, we are all different after all so how we respond is likely to differ too.)

It is argued that this difference all comes down to the terpenoid profile. Terpenes are the essential oils of the cannabis family, but we will discuss them in more detail another time.

We each have our own cannabinoid system known as the ENDOCANNABINOID SYSTEM.

Commonly our systems become under used and dormant.  Some illnesses such as Fibromyalgia have been linked to a clinical Endocannabinoid deficiency.
When the ECS is firing on all cylinders, it helps or bodies achieve homeostasis and even treat numerous common conditions.

CBD has been shown to have many wonderful properties.

These include:

Reduce Inflammation
Anti spasmodic
Anti anxiolytic (reduce anxiety)
Anti depressant action
Anti Psychotic
Treat Epilepsy
Relaxing
Relieve pain
Anti Emetic (treat nausea and vomiting)
Treat inflammatory Bowel diseases
Neuroprotective agent
Treat skin conditions
Encourage bone health and growth
Anti proliferation effects ( stops cancer spreading) and anti angiogenesis (cuts off blood supply to tumours) in cancer.
Symptoms of diabetes.

This list is by no means exhaustive but gives you an idea of what a wonder compound CBD is.

It is essential at this point to emphasise what I mentioned initially, the entourage effect.
CBD is great, yes, no doubt, BUT it's even better when combined with other cannabinoids. CBD alone (CBD isolate) has been shown to be less effective when compared with whole plant extracts that contain some of the other cannabinoids.

CBDa, CBDv, CBC, CBG (to name just a few) and of course THC all work  best when taken together.
Different products contain different amounts of each cannabinoid so it is useful to request lab test data to see if you can see what the cannabinoid profile is.
This way you can see if there are higher levels of CBDa to treat inflammation for example.

For me there is no comparison, it's whole plant all the way. 

For help choosing a CBD product to suit your needs, and for details on what products I use to help my symptoms, you're welcome to apply to join our closed group "CBD HAVEN" **

Thanks for reading and good luck on your CBD journey.

Gentle hugs as always ❤️❤️❤️

Future blogs will feature more information on the ECS, Cannabinoids, terpenes, medication and CBD and so on.

** please note we have criteria for joining so do read group description before applying and be sure to answer all 3 questions.

Monday, 26 March 2018

"Just" Fibromyalgia

Your vision blurs and doubles but nothing can be done...its Just Fibromyalgia
You cannot stand bright lights, going around like a Z last celeb with your sunglasses on.. it's just fibromyalgia

You cannot distinguish noise so conversations are hard to hold.... it's just fibromyalgia
Those noises you do hear set your teeth on edge.. guess what?  It's JUST fibromyalgia

Your migraines floor you and your body hurts all over, but you know what?  Is just fibromyalgia
Every day is like you've got flu.  Every step like walking through glue.... Yup, it's Just Fibromyalgia

Trying to hide the grimace from a simple touch, lying in bed recovering from getting up,  you're ok,  it's Just Fibromyalgia

Two words that cover so much "Just Fibromyalgia" yet don't do justice.  Much like "You don't look sick" We should be pleased to hear.
Fibro is the chameleon, for one the battle is fair and days are just a little tough for others days are long and hard and make you think "I've had enough"

But remember you're not alone, there are others that feel your pain.  Together we will keep on fighting,  never giving up. 

So every day think of one thing that makes you smile,  keep hold of that and never forget,  you're not alone,  you're still alive. 

#invisibilityhurts #justfibro
💜💜jojo💜💜

Sunday, 25 February 2018

The Black Dog

Feels like ages since my last blog but it's actually only been a couple of months.
A very very very long and dark couple of months.
One of great reflection and introspection though.

I am depressed.

I'm not ashamed to say it.

For the past 4 years I've been on anti depressants.

Following the birth of my wonderful son I suffered severe Post Natal Depression (PND) and started taking anti depressants.
And was actually well controlled.

My history of depression and  diagnosis of fibromyalgia (plus many other conditions) were two different parts to my story, but I've so often been angered, upset, frustrated when professionals want to focus on the depression, rather than looking at fibromyalgia as a physical condition in its own right.

This fear of judgement causes great anxiety, it's reached a point now where I suffer extreme social anxiety.  I can't even comfortably talk on the phone these days. Even the thought of it, typing about it here now is making me anxious! How crazy is that!

Do you have any idea how hard it is to battle the system and yet deal with the anxiety to just pick up the phone and chase an appointment!?

This is foreign to me, I was never the anxious one. I was the confident competent nurse who helped save lives!!
Now I'm a shadow of that person.
BUT
I'm not beaten.

I'm still climbing out of the hole now but the first step in training the black dog is to acknowledge him.

So even in the face of my battles with health, my partner's struggles with depression, my son's learning difficulties and facing homelessness.

I AM NOT BEATEN
I AM STRONG
WE ARE STRONG

We will get there.
We just have to take our time and accept help when offered and continue to fight for it when it's not, no matter how hard that is.

I know I am not alone.
We all have our individual battles to face, but do you know just how common depression is within the chronically ill!?

(https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/chronic-illness-mental-health/index.shtml)

It's HUGE!

However we need our health care professionals to see that it is a symptom of our conditions and NOT the cause.
We are depressed BECAUSE we are in pain day in day out, hour by hour, minute by minute.
We are NOT in pain because we are depressed.

My pain is better managed thanks to the wonders of CBD but believe me it's still there, and some days I am still in agony.
This recent extreme cold weather having caused a massive flare.

But you know what!?
The good thing about this clash with the black dog? 

Now I actually KNOW I AM depressed but my pain IS NOT worse because of that.

To me that's a HUGE affirmation. it proves to me that what I thought is true. When all those "professionals" choose to gloss over the condition and focus in on depression as the cause to all our woes.

I shall continue to battle and share my story.

So please if you know someone with chronic illness.

Don't tell them to snap out of it.

Don't tell them Its all in their head.

Take the time to LISTEN and be there.

Help them make that phone call maybe?
Write that letter.
Go with them.to their appointment.

On that note I'll stop babbling, once again thanks for reading.

Sending gentle hugs to all ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Sunday, 21 January 2018

Waking up

Woohoo!!!

I'm finally off Amitriptyline!!!!
I've been off it a week now and despite still getting over the flu,
I'm not joking but it feels like I've woken up!!!

I've been trying to get off it for so long but my nerve pain always flared.
That drug really did turn me into a fat zombie!!

Amitriptyline is an old school drug (originally an anti depressant in higher doses) and is often the first thing thrown at us fibromites as it can dampen down nerve pain.
I can say yes it did do that, hence why I stayed on it so long,  but it also made me extremely drowsy. Thanks to my chemical sensitivity I could only tolerate a small dose so I never really twigged with the insidious grogginess and the intense carb cravings. Sugar in particular!
Sugar, as many of you know is so incredibly bad for us so I was just making things worse!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not cured, I'm still writing this whilst lying in my bed but my brain has woken up!!! I can't tell you how happy this is making me.

These pharmaceutical drugs get pushed at us so easily and yet they can do so much harm. We trust our doctors, of course we do, they're the experts BUT with an illness like fibromyalgia we need MORE.

We need vested interest.

So many of the so called experts still harbour doubts about fibro because it doesn't show up in standard testing.
No x-ray or blood test will tell you anything.

We don't get functional MRI scans that would actually show them that our brains are working differently. Firing way to much, our central nervous systems in overdrive.

We don't have our Substance P measured to demonstrate that our pain levels are 10 times higher than a "normal" person when experiencing the same stimuli.

BUT all that aside.....

Thanks to CBD, (cannabidiol) which is one of many wonderful cannabinoids found in the cannabis plant.

I've now come off {over months mind you}:

Oxynorm (opiate pain relief)
Tramadol slow release (strong long acting pain med)
Zopiclone (sleeping tablet)
Lyrica/pregablin (nerve pain med)

In addition
My doses of standard tramadol has more than halved.
My dose of anti depressants has halved.
My migraines are also much less frequent.

CBD is legal but underutilised.
Our medics are quite frankly ignorant about it. When in group we hear from a member that's had a positive experience after an appointment we all get so excited!! Maybe the tide is turning.
We need access to WHOLE PLANT CBD without being judged!!
It's reefer madness gone insane!!

I could go on but you've done well to read this much so I thank you.

My eternal thanks to #cbdbrothers they've given me my life back.
I dread to think of the dribbling mess I'd be if I was still taking all those chemicals.

Anyone wanting to know more about CBD we've a support group
CBD consumers group UK/EU
(Be warned though we don't allow bigotted trolls in)

Sending much love and gentle hugs to you all. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Sunday, 31 December 2017

"I'm tired" the biggest understatement ever!! Up there with "I'm sore"

As this year draws to a close with my foot firmly up it's arse to shove it on its way I just about have the energy to write this blog.

It's New Years Eve. It's 6.30pm and I'm in bed, today has beaten me, I've had a little cry at the effort of climbing the stairs, I had a little cry at the effort of eating dinner that Brian prepared. I am beat.
Now I'm lying on my bed trying to formulate sentences.

(I tell you it's a good job pen and paper isn't involved these days because already there would be a pile of screwed up sheets on the floor!!)

You've heard me talk about the pain myself and fellow fibro warriors experience, (I still don't feel I've done it justice though) but I've never really gone into detail on the fatigue element.

You know what it's like to be tired yeah? We all do. I remember being tired. **Insert manic laughter here**

I'm going to TRY to explain the fatigue that comes with Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue (or if you're especially lucky like me, BOTH).

Right now, I'm lying on my back.
The simple life sustaining act of breathing in and out is taking effort and energy.
That's something I can guarantee I NEVER even THOUGHT of when I was well.  It's an autonomic bodily function, our bodies are designed to do this without conscious thought.
This "work of breathing" is all I can handle right now.
Hence lying on my back. I cannot sit in bed and do this. Not only because of my pelvic pain, but If you add in sitting in a chair, you have a recipe for utter exhaustion.
The effort it takes to keep your body upright, your back aligned, your core muscles engaged. These things take energy we shouldn't be aware of.

Add to this mix the pain, the nausea, the vision issues, the over sensitivity to stimuli you can see why we find the actual act of living to be overwhelming.
The body is always aware of something. You can never just BE.
There are many of us that have no desire to see the New Year in like days gone by. The noise, the crowds....ugh makes me shudder at the thought.

But you know what? I still have things to be grateful for.
My partner certainly didn't sign up for this but he's worth his weight in gold I can tell you.
My beautiful son, my reason for being, the reason I'm still here.
My my online family, were it not for fibro I would never have met these amazing people, I would never have got involved with CBD and the fight for access to Cannabis.

This has taken me an hour to write and in all honesty I could say more but I'm brain dead.

I'll say goodnight and goodbye to 2017.... You've been SHITE!  Lol

If you're heading out have a great night and embrace it!! Seriously, enjoy it, realise how lucky you are.

If you're staying in, you know what!? That's ok!! Don't feel bad, don't feel pressured, do what YOU can cope with. Get cosy, stick a movie on, (if you're especially lucky it won't be Minions for the #5378th time) have a tipple of something you fancy.
Don't over do it though, let's face it you don't want a hangover on top of THIS 😂😂😂😭😭
Sending much love a gentle hugs to all. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

On that note I'll say goodnight and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Remember #invisibilityhurts so share share share

Friday, 8 December 2017

Another battle

Below is a letter I have written as part of my invalidity pension appeal.

Yet another denial. Yet another fight.
It's exhausting.

Ive been trying to write this for 2 weeks but yesterday I made myself sit down for 2 hours to get it done. Big deal I hear you say.
Since yesterday afternoon I've been in hell. I was  awake all night in pain, no medication would work. I finally got  to sleep at 5 this morning. Today I've been bed bound in the dark with a migraine threatening but unable to tolerate any  light.
I'm finishing this in my pitch black room and screen dimmed  with additional screen dimmer app.

Anyway it's important to show people what we go through every day. I know I don't verbalise it, I hate listening to myself moan, like you all I keep it in, sometimes I'll vent to my partner or good friends but for the most part I remain invisible.

So Here goes........

My life has been TOTALLY changed by Fibromyalgia. The consensus is that I am a severe case and I cannot argue with that. It might help if i go through my symptoms from top to toe as the effects are that all encompassing.

Please bear in mind I was a highly qualified and respected ICU nurse with 20 years experience, applying for invalidity pension is not an undertaking i take lightly, but it is also essential to be recognised for the life altering condition it is.

So top to toe this is what I deal with DAILY.

Head:  

Cognition.  My mental capacity is greatly reduced.  This very document has been weeks in the making. Thankfully on a computer it is saved as i go along and has a spell check.

I struggle to put sentences together, word recall is greatly reduced, meaning i just cannot find the right word and will often go totally blank. I forget what I was saying or even thinking.  

I have zero ability for numbers now, Zero.  My short term memory is severely affected. I have reminders for reminders, if i don’t act immediately when a reminder goes off i will forget, this has a HUGE impact on my daily life. Medications are forgotten regularly if I dont take immediately when reminder goes off.

Central Nervous System (CNS).

It is not really known whether Fibromyalgia is a disorder of the CNS but from my own experiences I would suggest it is,  My CNS is overamplified, in a continued state of fight or flight.  Trying to "dial this down" is a huge undertaking and exhausting in itself.

Under the CNS umbrella comes a good few symptoms.

Allodynia - I experience PAIN where “normal” people wouldn’t even notice.  I have to wear clothes a size bigger and inside out as labels and seams hurt me.  Creases in bedding feel like knives, heaven forbid a crumb in the bed as that feels like glass. A hug from my child is received with a grimace because it hurts, him sitting on my lap hurts. The cold hurts. Heat hurts.

I’ve a symptom that can only be described as feeling like I’ve open wounds on my legs, my entire (not insubstantial) thighs on top, are deep throbbing wounds.

I get daily flares that feels like I’ve an all over sun burn, I cannot be touched and clothing is extremely painful. My scalp is always painful, my hair hurts. I have had parts of it shaved off before and now considering all over shave as scalp is so sore. If it wasn't so cold I probably would do it without hesitation but the cold already hurts my head.
The pain in my scalp can escalate to feeling like I've been stabbed in the head, when this strikes it renders me incapacitated, unable to move my head at all, I have to just wait for it to pass. I'm waiting for neurology appointment query Trigeminal neuralgia.

Hyperalgesia - Amplification of a “normal” pain response.  You may feel discomfort, I feel intense pain.

Intolerance to noise - This can be as simple as the fan on my laptop that is getting to me right now.  Normal household noises, the fridge buzzing, the tumble dryer, you name it can set me on edge.  Leaving the house and being exposed to the cacophony of noises, that most people don’t even notice, will cause me intense distress and “amp up” my already over stimulated CNS and as a result increase my pain and anxiety.

Intolerance to light - I wear sunglasses even in dull light. Screens have to be dimmed, using an app that will dim beyond a device's capabilities. Light WILL cause eye pain, a headache, if not a migraine. Fluorescent lighting WILL cause a migraine.  In actual fact the discharge summary from Harolds cross hospice that stated they hoped for a return to “some form of employment“ omitted the fact that I was rendered bed bound due to migraine caused by the lighting in the hospital and had to stay for a 3rd week just to get more therapy time in, however i had to leave 2 days early I think it was because I literally could not face the continuous migraine.    

Multiple Chemical sensitivities. - This includes food (I am still working out what foods will trigger flares, the list is extensive so far), household agents, but most importantly and overlooked Medications! Pharmacological drugs often prescribed for Fibromyalgia cause extreme side effects in me.  Pregablin and Gabapentin caused dramatic cognitive issues, I was unable to even put days of the week in order to put my medications in its organiser. I was unable to hold a conversation. Amitryptiline I can only tolerate a small amount as it zombifies me BUT i have to take a small amount as it Dampens down my skin burn and the aching feeling of open wounds.

Opiates cause multiple side effects. Basically any pharmaceutical will trigger an adverse reaction of some sort.

Migraines - these are debilitating by themselves but in addition to all the other symptoms I am listing causes extreme distress.

Eye Sight - My eyesight is deteriorating rapidly.  I have constant double vision, under investigation currently by Opthalmologist, probably caused by a 4th nerve palsy meaning my eye muscle does’nt hold its position.  Glasses with a prism mean I am able to at least see but only at specific distances and with enlarged text.

Body:

Neck - Painful and stiff joints

Shoulders - Painful to move and intense pain when sleeping on sides.

Arms - My strength is reduced, my arms fatigue very quickly. Washing myslef in shower, washing my hair, drying my hair all these activities have now been reduced dramatically as I am unable to tolerate the pain or fatigue caused.  I used to shower and wash my hair daily.  Now twice weekly if I’m lucky to have the energy. This fatigue is more global than my arms however.

My Wrists are painful and weak (I am unable to lift a full kettle), My fingers are painful (I cannot grip a standard pen and even using my fat special pens hurts). Even the sensation of fingers hitting buttons to type causes discomfort.

Back - Painful from top to bottom, can affect breathing and cause sciatica.  I need to use Heat pads, pain killing gels and balms frequntly throughout the day.  I often have to get up in the middle of the night to sit on my Gym ball and try stretch the spasms that happen frequently.

Sacrum - Sitting on uncushioned or ineffective cushions causes intense pain that will radiate up my spine. I am unable to sit for long periods, car journeys (passenger only) even with a cushion will cause pain after 20 minutes.  This means that any trips anywhere whether for hospital apts or leisure are ALWAYS painful. Add to the journey the waiting times in hospitals, it progresses to agony.

Legs - I touched on the pain felt in my legs above but I cannot describe just how distressing this is.  It will make me feel like I’m going to vomit if touched. The pain often makes me feel sick but thats a global thing.  I am unable to walk unaided apart from pottering to the loo or around the house in short stretches. I cannot stand for any period of time.  I use a walking stick on a good day and then will use a Rollator, Wheelchair or Mobility Scooter dependent on how bad I am that day.  I feel pain in my hips due to recurring bursitis, in my knees, ankles and even the soles of my feet from the weight of my own body. My legs tire very quickly and as a result of both fatigue and pain my mobility is severely limited. I can only manage the stairs in my home once a day, I can get down but the pain and sheer effort to get back up the stairs is more than I can handle.  

Organs

I’ve discussed my eyes above but all of my internal organs are affected. Hyperalgesia means that i can FEEL everything.  Even ovulation causes pain.  Every month I'm rendered bed bound with my period pains.
Recently I had some lung congestion that felt like I had broken a couple of ribs. 

Psychosocial

Since my decline I've become a shadow of my former self.  It's impossible not to be depressed when you're in constant pain.  Facing the loss of your identity is a huge factor.

The constant need to explain and justify yourself is exhausting.  

This ongoing judgement also eats away at any self confidence you ever had.  

Now I suffer with extreme social anxiety.  I cannot handle busy places. The looks.  The judgment.  This extends to phone calls.  I basically don't answer calls, I let my voicemail screen them and can only listen to messages when I'm prepared.

This means that things like this get put off because of the anxiety that builds in anticipation for the judgements ahead.  Being refused things because “I don't look sick“, because my disability isn't obvious.  I'm not missing a limb or dying. Another battle faces us in January when we appeal the motability denial

Daily life

I wake every day,  EVERY DAY, without fail,  in pain.  

Before I even open my eyes I feel pain.  Sometimes it's more than I can cope with to turn over and take my morning painkillers.  So I lie there in pain,  with a painfully full bladder,  willing myself the strength to roll over and sit up.  

Inevitably I have to go to bathroom before these painkillers kick in, so I hobble.  Pain from the soles of my feet all the way up my body just walking to toilet.  

I am unable to get up with my son. Unable to get him breakfast. Unable to get him ready and take him to pre school.  

I am in fact only able to “do the stairs” once a day.  Sometimes I can't even manage that so i am stuck upstairs,  in bed,  dependent on my partner,  my carer, for food and drink.  

While my son is at school I'm usually trying to sleep.  My sleep, although better thanks to CBD, is still broken due to pain.  

I plan my day from there.  Can I face a shower?  Can I wash my hair?  The act and then the recovery afterwards needs to be considered.  Using baby wipes and dry shampoo is my daily routine.

I try to be up in time for my son to return home from school.  When downstairs I spend the majority of my time in my riser/recliner. I have a perching stool in kitchen to allow me to rest at work top to make drink or my sons lunch.  

My partner does ALL of the house care.  Shopping,  laundry,  cooking,  cleaning,  you name it.  

I try to help prepare or cook dinner by sitting at cooker stirring food or the like.  

Come 5pm I'm in so much pain and so fatigued I must go back upstairs to bed.  

Then it's a case of trying to play with and settle my son for the night.  If anything is needed from downstairs then is either my partner getting it or going without.  

I’m not sure how else to describe to you that just living my life on a day to day basis is all the “work” I can handle.  There is no treatment available** or even test to diagnose this horrendous illness. So we are forced to fight and justify our very existences.  

Comparing daily life to the bubble of existence experienced in a rehab hospital is like comparing night and day.  There is no comparison.

**Treatments that have been shown to help but not accessible freely.

Hydrotherapy - all public pools I have tried are too cold and make my symptoms worse.  Private ones are always accessible and cost money I do not have.

Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy - research suggests that this can be helpful for pain and fatigue.  Costs €100 per session in Dublin.

Cannabis - I do use the legal version CBD which I am lucky has helped me not need my opiates and sleeping tablets. But research shows that a level of THC helps with pain control, this is of course illegal.

Physio, osteopathy, chiropractic are not an option as I cannot be touched.

That's where I end it. I hope this explains to the deciding officer the extent that this illness has on me.

Sharing this blog will help us get the word out and help the invisible become visible.
#invisibiltyhurts

Thanks for reading and gentle hugs to all ❤❤❤❤

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Medical Cannabis - The Dàil Debate

Wow what a day!! I warn you, grab a cuppa and get comfy because it's a long one 😘

So today was the first time I've been to any sort of Parliamentary debate.  I just HAD to brave the pain, and suck it up buttercup, to go today though.

A lot of you won't be familiar with what is happening with regards to medical cannabis here in Ireland.

Last year Solidarity PBP TD Gino Kenny presented a bill before the Dàil and there was much fanfare and excitement as we all got prepared for Cannabis to become legal and a viable treatment option for so many of us.
Little did we know that this would be thwarted at every turn.

Roll on 12 months. Back in the Dàil to be debated again.
Why? You may ask....(now here I hasten to add is MY interpretation of the days events and those of the last 12 months)
That original Bill was put forward for review by a committee consisting of TDs from the main party's and also a medical committee (HPRA) looking into the efficacy of cannabis as medicine.

Both of these bodies deemed that
A. The bill was not fit for purpose and that
B. That there isn't enough evidence to support the use of Cannabis for numerous medical complaints.

(There were more objections but I don't want to keep you for hours.)

Before you all shout at the screen...I KNOW!!!

No evidence my backside! If someone wants to put some money into double blind randomised trials I can tell you wholeheartedly that the results would scream in our favour.
However this to date has not been done ENOUGH.

We all know who makes money off the sick, they stand to lose out big time by the legalisation of medical cannabis.

Peer review and anecdotal evidence isn't enough it seems.
Just because Joe Bloggs says something, doesn't make it so.... But how about thousand, millions even, people, the world over,  saying it's so???

Another argument that was brought up was the age of "reefer madness" crap about Cannabis being a "gateway drug" and it "causes psychosis".
In the last couple of years I have learned an awful lot about not only fibromyalgia but also cannabis and it's potent cannabinoids.

Here is my take on both of those statements.

By keeping cannabis a schedule 1 drug (which by the way means it has NO medicinal value) and criminalising it you are keeping the drug dealers in business. They make their money selling low CBD high THC cannabis.
CBD along with another 100 cannabinoids (inc THC) have something effects on various health issues.
THC is the compound that gives the high.
We do not want Street weed legalised. We want access to cannabis that is not only the right strain but also the right ratio of CBD:THC that is right FOR US.

For example I use CBD daily. It has allowed me to drop a lot of my pharmaceutical drugs (which by the way DO KILL, DO CAUSE HORRIFIC SIDE EFFECTS, that is proven and yet they're still legal). I'm a HUGE advocate of it having seen the benefits first hand. What we know though is that for a person to get the very best from a treatment that a small amount of thc is needed to provide the "Entourage Effect". The amount of THC needed varies from condition to condition and from person to person. I for example cannot tolerate THC unless it's tiny amounts.

I have NO interest or intent to proceed into other drugs. I just want to be able to have some quality of life!!
Those of us who need medical cannabis just want relief from pain or to be free of the pharmaceuticals that are slowly killing us. Gateway my bum!

Regards the psychosis argument. This is something I remember from growing up, the links between cannabis and schizophrenia for example.
Again I draw you back to ratio and more importantly an individuals predisposition to mental health issues. I know plenty of people now who are successfully treating mental health problems, yes even psychosis, with cannabis.
They need lower levels of thc, this is why we need legislation and regulation! Not a ban altogether!!!

This brings us back to today.
A lot of TD''s wanted to be heard today which is great, lots of support for the bill, (which up until yesterday was looking at getting thrown out) from parties that had been involved in its bring rejected at committee... Suddenly an 11th hour turn around!!! Power to the people me thinks!! Public opinion is so very strong there would have been extreme backlash from the Irish public had it been thrown out today.... But I digress....

Today saw excellent arguments for the bill, particularly eloquent and powerful was Deputy Richard Boyd Barrett who said the following:

"In December of last year, this House made a unanimous decision to send the Cannabis for Medicinal Use Regulation Bill of Deputy Gino Kenny to Committee Stage. Shamefully and disgracefully, a joint health committee, comprising members from Fine Gael, Fianna Fáil, Sinn Féin, the Labour Party, the Rural Independent Group and some other Independents, has ignored the opinion and advice of the Irish Medical Organisation, which represents the doctors, Professor David Finn, president of the Irish Pain Society, and Professor Mike Barnes, who produced the definitive report on the issue of medicinal cannabis, and it has recommended that the Bill not proceed to Committee Stage. I would like to know, on a matter of Dáil procedure, what standing the recommendation has. It seems that if the Dáil completed Second Stage and agreed to send the Bill to Committee Stage, it has to proceed to Committee Stage or come back here for a decision to be made to reverse it."

The nay sayers to my mind ended up looking like heartless uninformed eejits. These people wanting to reject the bill progressing to the next step because of what boiled down to the changing of some wording.

The utter lack of respect shown by Minister for Health Simon Harris and Kate O'Connell angered me immensely.
The minister does support the argument that the people need access to cannabis, but at the same time closed minded on HOW this might work. Kate O'Connell was a disgrace. Her flippant attitude and lack of knowledge on the matter was insulting. This topped off by the fact neither of them saw fit to remain in the Dàil for the entire debate!! This showed a great lack of respect not only for the TD's present for this debate but also US the people, the patient to whom this means a great deal.
Anyway next step is vote as to whether the bill progresses any further.  Date for Vote is next Thursday 16th November I believe.

Please, I implore you, make your voice heard. If you are the potential patient speak up! If it's your loved one, speak up! If you are empathetic at all, speak up!!
We need our voices to be heard.

Email Simon Harris Minister for Health
simon.harris@oireachtas.ie

Thank you for reading this essay, you can probably tell I'm quite passionate about it lol.
Much love and gentle hugs to all, now I'm going to collapse.
❤❤❤❤❤❤

Friday, 27 October 2017

The fight goes on

So it's been a while since I've written anything. I keep thinking of things to write about (believe me there's lots of ideas, but then I forget what I was thinking and another day passes).

Latest kick from the "system" is that I have been refused Invalidity pension. The reason given was because of the discharge letters from the hospice in January.
They had stated they hoped for my regaining function and even return to work. Well isn't that just lovely. I'd also like to win the lotto.

Let's get one thing straight.

I do NOT want this life. This is NOT a choice. I want to have the old me back. It has taken me a very long time to get used to the fact that the old ME is simply gone.

I have not given up a 20year nursing career through choice!! I was loving my job and saw real opportunities for growth there.

I have not CHOSEN to be unable to care for my son let alone myself.

Who knows, Maybe if I had daily access to hydro therapy and only left my bed to go to physio and OT then their hopes for my future may be realised.

Let's face it though, it's simply unattainable. No community hydro therapy. No hyperbaric oxygen therapy available. No access to Cannabis. The withdrawal of Opiates for Fibromyalgia patients. Unable to get hips injected all the time.

So yet again I need to appeal another decision.

Oh and the kicker?? I asked about getting back in to the hospice when I was getting my hip injected again...nope, no can do. Need refering in again. It seems I have to reach crisis point again.

My eyes are the latest thing to fail and with my cognitive impairment (let alone the bone deep fatigue and all over pain) I know dam well I'll never nurse again. How can these people do this to us??

So the fight continues.

Just don't give up people!! They want you to go away quietly. DON'T DO IT!!!
Admittedly it can take a while to get over the anxiety and brain fog to actually do these things.

Thank you for reading. Never feel alone lovelies xxx

Gentle hugs to you all ❤❤❤❤
Keep fighting ❤❤❤😘😘

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Allodynia and Hyperalgesia


Allodynia is a type of pain associated with Fibromyalgia and is considered a rare type of pain. With allodynia, there is a triggered pain response from stimuli that does not normally cause pain. In this case, it causes a great deal of skin pain. The skin burns to the touch and is often described as a sunburn sensation or "sparkler burn". Clothes will hurt against the skin. Even a breeze will feel painful against the heightened and tender skin. There is no exact cause for allodynia, but it is considered to be from central nervous sensitization where there is an increase of excitability in the neurons of the central nervous system. As such, harmless stimulus – like a light touch – activates the nociceptors which are usually activated only in response to intense stimulus causing damage to the tissue and thus causing pain where there should be none.

The pain caused by touch is called tactile allodynia; when caused by movement, it is mechanical allodynia. Thermal allodynia is related to temperature. Other pain conditions can create this response such as neuropathy, post herpetic neuralgia and migraines. In fact, with migraines, allodynia is common in the scalp, although it can occur anywhere.

Allodynia can range from mild to severe and can be all over the body or only in certain areas. It can be continuous or come and go. My own allodynia is one of my main symptoms of Fibromyalgia.  The constant feeling of skin burning.  As I write this I'm aware of my hands, forarms and thighs burning. There's not a lot I can do about it. Sometimes a cooling towel or gel like Aloe or MSM GEL is nice but the effects are limited often offering just a few minutes relief. CBD balm is another thing that does help but rubbing it on is done with gritted teeth as it may as well be sandpaper (I hasten to add it's my skin causing that, the Balm is smooth and soft).

For me, allodynia is a constant companion. It does vary in severity but it's always there.  Some experience it with migraines  however I don't have to have a migraine for it to affect my scalp. Its like someone has yanked your hair leaving a residual bruised sensation. Washing hair is torture as is brushing. You'll have seen I've shaved hair off in an effort to reduce the weight of my hair on my head.
During extreme weather, I also get thermal allodynia that can cause a great deal of all-over sensitivity and makes it difficult to be out on hot days I used to LOVE the sun but now if I'm out I have to be shaded. The opposite is also true, being cold causes physical pain.

Clothing is a common problem with tactile allodynia. There can be a burning or constricting feeling from waistbands, even if they are not tight. Bra straps can create a lot of discomfort. Any clothing closely pressed to the body can seem to be putting ‘pressure’ on the burning sensation, including tags and stitching. Generally, fabric choice can be a real issue as some will seem quite aggressive against the tender skin, but when it is severe, all fabrics will be equally aggravating.
I've ditched the bra, wear clothes inside out and have to wear bigger sizes even maternity clothes to keep clothes away from my skin. I'm one step away from a kaftan lol

I'm currently awaiting a lignocaine (lidocaine) infusion and then the next step will be ketamine!

Here's hoping for relief soon ❤❤❤

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allodynia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperalgesia

Finally as much as it still pains me to ask, if anyone can help I'd be so grateful. My go fund me link is below.

https://www.gofundme.com/invisibilityhurts

Much love and gentle hugs to all 💜💜💜💜

Friday, 28 July 2017

What is Fibromyalgia?

So what is it? It becomes increasingly obvious that even so called experts do not understand the extent of this debilitating illness. It is not the same thing to all people so even fibro sufferers can dismiss others because "well I've got it and it's not THAT bad", well I'm here to tell you that actually YES for a lot of people, me included, it IS THAT BAD.

So here is a list of symptoms of Fibromyalgia, you got a cuppa handy? It's loooonng 😥
I saw this in a group I'm in and it's the most accurate I've come across.

PAIN - diffuse musculoskeletal pain and fatigue. The syndrome is defined by the presence of musculoskeletal tender points on physical examination. Pain is often described as aching, burning, throbbing, gnawing, shooting &/or tingling. It can be localized, generalized, can feel like muscle spasms and can be scattered throughout the body. It may be migratory, with pain presenting in one or more areas on one day and other areas on another day. Pain is often experienced very quickly after any repetitive movement - even something as simple as holding arms up to brush or comb hair etc.

Numerous vague unspecified symptoms that wax and wane and cause fibro sufferers to "just never feel good".

Fibromyalgics have 3 times the amount of Substance P in their bodies than do normal people. Substance P is the vehicle that carries pain stimuli to the brain. The brain may also interpret the pain improperly and respond inappropriately. What might be experienced as a "tickle", itch or annoyance normally - is often experienced as pain in those who suffer with FMS. There are often more pain receptors in FMSers, therefore pain is magnified.

Bilateral Pain in various points in areas throughout the body. There are 18 TPR’s - Diagnosis of FMS is made if pressure on 11 of these 18 points causes pain. Areas throughout the body may feel "bruised" when touched. The tender point is considered to be positive if an approximate force of 4 kg. of pressure causes pain when applied to the specified points. Widespread pain must have been present for at least 3 months with the associated tenderpoint pain in order for Fibromyalgia to be diagnosed.

FMS patients may bruise more easily than others and some may experience excessive bruising.

Temporomandibular Joint Disorder: in many FM patients, problems are encountered because of the abnormal tone in muscles around the joint, not because of abnormalities in the joint itself. (Pain in the face and jaw.)

Grinding of teeth at night / Clenching of jaw at night.

Headaches: tension &/migraine. Visual Migraines may also be experienced. (Search Visual or Ocular Migraines for more information)

Recurrent sore throat.

Chest Pain: Non-cardiac pain that may simulate cardiac disorder. This may be Costochondritis which is pain in the sternum or breastbone where the ribs attach. (Search Costochondritis for more information.)

Heart murmur: may be Mitral Valve Prolapse. (MVP occurs in up to 75% of fibromyalgics. Search Mitral Valve Prolapse + Fibromyalgia for more information.)

Heart palpitations.

Heartburn and digestive problems.

Esophageal dysmotility or reflux.

Back Pain: usually low back pain - may be exacerbated by muscle spasms in this area. A pillow placed under the thighs to tilt the pelvis while in bed may help, as it flattens the low back against the mattress. Pillow should not be under the knees as this might contribute to causing blood clots.

Sacro-iliac instability and pain.

Joint Hypermobility and Laxity: lax ligaments or what is commonly referred to as being "double-jointed". People who have this condition often ache and are more susceptible to osteoarthritis later in life. Studies suggest that joint hypermobility and fibromyalgia are associated and that the hypermobility can play a role in the pathogenesis or development of pain in fibro.(For more information search Joint Hypermobility + Fibromyalgia)

Arm and Shoulder pain: Often burning type of pain - often between the shoulder blades. May go across shoulders and down arms. Neck may also be sore &/or stiff. Arms may ache or pain may be severe in them. One side may be more painful than the other. A small pillow placed under the arm to elevate it slightly when lying down is often helpful, as arms tend to drop down on the bed and pull on the neck and shoulders. When riding in a car, it is often helpful to place a pillow over your knees and rest your arms on it. This helps elevate the arms and shoulders and can alleviate the "drag" one them and stop arms from going numb if this is a problem.

Postural Changes: shoulders hunched forward or rounded, head thrust forward with neck kinked forward, chest sunken, low back pushed forward causing abdomen to protrude, knees locked, muscles in back of thighs flexed - all a mechanism to find a comfortable position.

Painful lymph nodes: under the arms and in the neck.

Carpal tunnel syndrome: numbness, tingling and pain in wrists, hands and/or fingers. Pain in hands makes writing, typing, wringing out dish cloth etc difficult. Pain when plunging hands into cold water. (also pain maybe experienced on entering the water if swimming in cold water).

Paresthesia: Numbness or tingling (non-dermatomal) Numbness in arms and legs.

Raynaud's - like symptoms - numbness and tingling in the extremities especially in fingers, exacerbated by the cold.

Many fibromyalgics feel cold even when it is not particularly cold inside or out. Often hands & feet are very cold. Sometimes the sensation of cold seems to cause pain as well as giving the sensation of cold. A warm shower will usually help to alleviate this sensation whereas turning up the heat in the house does not.

Tennis Elbow: Pain in elbow and forearm.

Dry, itchy, blotchy skin &/or skin rashes. Especially on the face by ears and jaws and on forehead.

Ridges: may develop in finger nails and toe nails. Nails may split. Nails may break off easily. If they do grow they may curve or curl under.

Restless Leg Syndrome: Aching in legs especially at night causes legs to be moved constantly in an attempt to ease the pain or aching.

Weak knees and ankles. Cramps in legs.

Foot Pain: Plantar arch or heel pain, may be plantar fasciitis or just "fibro feet". Orthopedic shoes and orthotics may help.

Muscle and joint aches. Feels like "flu" CONSTANTLY

Severe muscle weakness.

Muscle spasms: may feel like tight knots or charlie horse or lumps. Muscles contract but do not release properly. Muscles apparently may contract without receiving stimulus from the brain.

Twitching: can be muscular - may experience eye twitch or a facial twitch.

Burning sensations in muscles throughout the body.

Nausea: may be caused by overload of pain stimuli bombarding the brain - nausea may also be experienced when moving from a horizontal to a vertical position.

Weight change: - usually gain - a feeling of swelling or puffiness might be experienced. May experience retention of fluid for a few days and then return to "normal". May "feel" swollen even if inflammation and swelling are not actually present. Weight gain may also be due to various medications used to treat fibro.

Hair loss: hair may come out in great "gobs" when combed or brushed. May notice hair coming out when it is being washed as well.

Sleep disturbance/non restorative sleep: may be described as not being able to fall asleep, not being able to stay asleep or more common, "I feel like I haven't slept at all". May awaken frequently and be unable to return to sleep for some time. May wake up "full" of pain and feel "more tired" than on going to bed.

There is a disturbance in the sleep pattern and fibromyalgics are not able to enter into stage 4 sleep, thus they awaken frequently through the night when they reach Stage 4. One may also feel that they are awake and asleep. In essence what happens is that there is brain wave activity of sleep going on in the brain and at the same time there is brain wave energy of being awake going on - almost like the sleep patterns and awake patterns are playing in the brain at the same time. Restful sleep is never achieved. Thus there follows deep aching discomfort throughout the body and the feeling of being exhausted. The shoulders, neck and low back are often the most painful.
Due to the lack of Stage 4 sleep, muscle repair does not occur properly and therefore muscles take longer to heal and regenerate after micro injuries or trauma, as is experienced by everyone in day to day life. Micro trauma during exercise is not repaired in FMS patients in the same manner as it is in normal people - thus the muscle stiffness causes much more distress in fibromyalgics or FMSers and takes longer to subside, therefore exercise is not refreshing but continuously causes pain making patients reluctant to engage in an exercise routine.

Frequent, unusual nightmares or being unable to dream - "black" heavy sleep may be experienced if medication is taken to aid staying asleep.

Night sweats: wake up drenched in perspiration, then become very cold and maybe even start to shiver.

Intolerance to cold: muscles contract in response to exposure to cold - cold weather, cold drafts, ice packs etc. Sometimes referred to as muscle jelling as in jello - jello is fluid and liquid when warm and jells when chilled. Extreme sensitivity to seasonal changes, climatic changes - rain and impending storms. Most Fibro patients find that their muscles respond to the application of warmth but that application of ice packs or cold intensifies pain.

Body temperature fluctuations - hot one minute and cold the next. Perhaps inner "controls" (thermoregulatory system) are out of whack.

Fatigue - can be described as feeling tired to being extremely exhausted after minimal physical exertion. Sometimes a short nap in the afternoon may help relieve the feeling of fatigue, yet some people require frequent rest periods to get them through the day. Sometimes the fatigue can come on suddenly for no apparent reason and can be very debilitating. Short periods of exertion can require long periods of rest to recuperate. Can be severe and have a sudden onset even with minimal physical exertion. May experience sudden debilitating fatigue that makes it necessary to immediately stop whatever one is doing and go and rest.

Lightheadedness

Vertigo

Disequilibrium - impaired co-ordination: misjudge distances - bang into door frames, walk into furniture, walls etc.

Cognitive function problems: such as attention deficit disorder, calculation difficulties, memory disturbance, spatial disorientation, difficulty with concentration and short-term memory. These things are commonly referred to by FMSers as "fibrofog".

Neurogenic inflammation: rashes and hives, inflammatory sensation, with rashes that may be severe, severe itching with inflammation - initiated by nerves.

Alteration of taste, smell, hearing. Some odours may make one nauseous.

Sensitivity amplification: may be more sensitive to smells, sound, odours, lights, pressure and temperature fluctuations, vibrations and noise etc. - the buzzing from fluorescent lights, hum of computer, buzz of overhead hydro lines may become almost unbearable to an FMSer at times. FMS hyper-sensitizes nerve endings.

May develop food intolerances, allergies and chemical sensitivities.

Changes in visual acuity: impaired function of smooth muscles used for focus as well as skeletal muscles for tracking. May experience blurred vision &/or double vision. Some people require two or three different eye glass prescriptions as their needs change with the Fibro symptoms. May experience Visual or Ocular Migraines.

Exaggerated nystagmus: involuntary rapid movement of the eyeball.

Intolerance of bright lights/sunlight.

Dry eyes and mouth: dry mouth can cause dental problems - dry eyes may cause inability to wear contact lens, may cause other visual problems, may require eye drops to keep eyes moist and free from infection. Eyes may be very dry at times and water at other times.

Hearing Loss: low frequency, sensorineural hearing loss.

Decreased painful sound threshold. Sometimes normal everyday noises become very irritating. May not tolerate radio or television well.

Tinnitus (Ringing in the ears) - ringing and sounds like the rolling ocean or whispers may be experienced.

Allergies: Severe nasal and other allergies and patients may also have a deep sinus infection.

Increased chemical sensitivity

Environmental sensitivities may develop.

Enhancement of medication side effects.

Intolerance of medications that were previously tolerated.

Intolerance of alcohol.

Intolerance of caffeine.

Intolerance of processed white sugar and most artificial sweeteners.

Premenstrual Syndrome: swelling, tenderness and lumps in breasts are often experienced with PMS, painful periods as well as mood swings, exaggerated emotional responses etc. etc. as common in PMS.

Fibrocystic Breast Disease: may be experienced by FMSers especially prior to period. Breasts may become very swollen and sore and be full of cysts or lumps that disappear after period.

Interstitial cystitis.

Irritable Bladder/Frequent Urination: might be uncomfortable or painful. Also bladders spasms may feel like a bladder infection.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome: alternate between constipation and diarrhea. Frequent abdominal pain, gas and nausea.

Depression: may be reactive or clinical. Often pain and feeling ill all of the time causes the depression. FMSers are depressed because they hurt. They do not hurt because they are depressed.

Anxiety: may include panic attacks.

Emotional lability or mood swings. May be tearful at times because life seems overwhelming.

Irritability probably due to pain and inability to do the things that you need to do and want to do.

Personality changes: usually a worsening of a previous tendency. People who have FMS sometimes have a hard time accepting their limitations and the loss of the person they "used to be" - they may actually go into the mourning process. Because FMS is an "invisible" sort of illness - and patients often see many Doctors before being properly diagnosed, they often begin to doubt themselves.

Fibromyalgics desperately need support and understanding from those closest to them but they often feel alienated because of their illness and inability to participate fully in many common activities of daily living. Many are unable to continue working at the jobs they love and thus lose part of the identity that their job may give them. They begin to lose their sense of independence and productivity and their sense of value.

Anger and resentment towards lack of understanding may alter FMSers personality drastically and cause even further alienation from family and friends. Along with this sense of helplessness and worthlessness that may develop, they may begin to feel guilty for not being able to be the person that others need or expect them to be. They may become extremely depressed and begin to lose interest in life altogether.

Fibromyalgia does not usually respond to anti-inflammatory medications. Initially there may be a positive effect but often this initial response subsides. Low doses of anti-depressants are often administered in an attempt to modify sleep patterns and serotonin uptake. Analgesics likewise often become ineffective once the body has become accustomed to them. Doctors are sometimes reluctant to prescribe narcotic analgesics due to the possibility of addiction. Various herbal remedies are found to have some positive effects by some fibromyalgics as are various vitamin and mineral supplement preparations. There are special herbal combinations specifically for FMS.

Exercise Programs are effective for some FMSers while they exacerbates the pain for others. Swimming is helpful for some people. Warm Baths are sometimes comforting especially if sea salt or epsom salts are added to the water. Heating Pads are helpful - either regular pads or moist heat. Infra Red Pads are also helpful for some patients. Analgesic rubs or liniments also bring some temporary relief. Massage, Reflexology and Chiropractic treatments are effective for some FMSers but tend to be aggravating to others.
CBD balm, purchased or home made can really help with muscle and joint pain.

If you got to this message then I thank you for taking the time to read this far.
Please please be kind to each other. If you are the person with fibro be kind to yourself too. Take each day as it comes.
If you're the friend or loved one then keep doing what you're doing. If you read all of this it shows you really want to understand and help. Just be there and don't judge xx
Gentle hugs to all ❤❤❤❤