Monday, 11 February 2019

I'm not "just" tired.

As you know I usually talk about my primary condition, Fibromyalgia. However, like so many other sufferers, I have multiple conditions as well as Fibro. 

CFS/ME, Migraine, Trigeminal Neuralgia, to name just 3. All of these come and knock me down regularly.

Yesterday CFS came and kicked my ass. It's always there lurking and keeping me from functioning but every now and again it TOTALLY FLOORS me.

As soon as I woke I knew I was in trouble. I always wake fatigued and in pain but this was on another level.
I could barely lift my head. I had to try and get up on an elbow to take my meds but the effort of doing this even with a straw for my water was more than I could handle. I physically collapsed back on the bed. Huffing and puffing like I'd run a mile, 
Immediately falling asleep.

I couldn't hold my phone, couldn't even prop it up and type (like I'm doing today).
My body, head to toe felt like it was encased in lead. Even breathing was an effort of will as my chest wall felt heavy.

I wobbled on unsteady legs holding onto my husband and the walls to get to the bathroom.

I was unable to eat. In order to get some nutrition I had a protein shake sipped through a straw.
Then back to sleep. Keeping my eyes lids open was an effort.
So I slept.

Our bodies use energy for EVERYTHING. When healthy we take these for granted and don't give it a second thought. 

Every cell in our body needs energy to do it's job. To breathe in and out. To swallow and digest food, to move a limb, and so on.  These things are done automatically with our brains in charge running us like a well oiled machine.

When someone has CFS/ME the energy storage and release is out of order. The brain doesn't do things with ease and without thought. Everything is an ordeal.

Thankfully, after 24 hours sleep. Of being unable to stay awake long enough to even talk to my son, let alone play with him, I am feeling marginally better.

Today I am able to stand on wobbly legs.
Walk holding onto walls to bathroom.
Today the phone is propped on my leg as I type. 

I know some sufferers of severe CFS feel like I did yesterday 24/7 and my heart truly goes out to them. 
It's so incredibly scary having your body fail you completely.

So I ask, if you know someone with CFS/ME  please do not think of it as them just being a bit tired.  This is SO much more than just needing a bit of rest. This is complete and utter system failure.

Your friends or family that are affected need your understanding and support.

Not phrases like "a nap and you'll be grand",
"You just need to get a bit of fresh air" and the old "you need to get out more and do some exercise".
Believe me I would LOVE to be able to get out for a walk with my boys, be able to do ALL the things I used to take for granted.

So please, before you speak, just, think.

Thank you for reading.

Gentle hugs to all ❤️❤️❤️

Saturday, 9 February 2019

Postcode Lottery for pain

I'm sure you're all well aware of the stories you've heard about people being unable to access the healthcare they need due to wear they live? 

Today saw me experiencing this for the first time.
Some of you may not know that my family and I relocated to UK from Ireland last summer and as such I've been having to start the whole health care thing all over again. 

So far it hasn't gone to plan, today proving this once again.
If it wasn't so painful the conversation would've been laughable 

Today's appointment was with Community Pain Services in Poole, Dorset. I'd been nervous about it hoping for an understanding doctor.
I must say she was that. The consultant was absolutely lovely. Very compassionate and, yes, understanding.
I gave her my collection of letters from previous consultants that detailed what treatment I'd tried and what the plan was going to be had I not moved.
She was open and interested in all my ideas from Low Dose Naltraxone to (of course) Medical Cannabis. She was interested to hear how I'd got on with Nabilone before (Nabilone is synthetic THC basically). Sadly I had to explain that although I had consultant prescriptions I was unable to obtain the drugs under the GMS system in Ireland and couldn't afford to pay the thousands I was quoted privately.
There I sat thinking omg this is actually going to be proactive. We will find something that works!!
Then she said the few words that would become her mantra for the rest of the appointment.
"We don't do that here / not available on NHS"
We discussed lignocaine infusion that I'd had with minimal relief and how the next step was Ketamine infusion, all along she's nodding.... "but we can't do that here".  Turns out that the trust doesn't do Ketamine. I'd have to get referred to Bristol pain services!!! Ah sure, only 5 hours away 臘.
Then onto LDN "not available on NHS" , Nabilone "not available on NHS" and of course Cannabis is "Not available on the NHS", even lignocaine patches are not available on the NHS.  Or rather not available on the NHS HERE!
"So how can I help you?" she asked. I actually nearly laughed.
We agreed that all the things that could be beneficial are not within her power to deliver.
She was however going to ask my GP to prescribe lidocaine they do it in buckets I wonder?? Small win but a win none the less.
So where to from here??
I do plan on writing to the trust to challenge their pain management provision because apart from the lidocaine cream the only other thing she could suggest was the "pain management program".
For those that don't know this is usually a 6 week or so program where you have to attend and sit in a room for a full day and learn about your pain and how to manage it. 
I've already done "retrain my pain" course, seen psychiatry (who incidentally documented how my depression was BECAUSE I'm in pain 24/7 and NOT in any way causative), try to practice mindfulness etc etc. Besides that I'm not physically ABLE to stay out of bed all day let alone travel to a class and sit all day.
Now I'm not dissing it as for some I've heard that it can be useful.
It's not THE answer though.
Practically though it was clear that my only option was to go private.
However like so many chronically ill this is simply not an VIABLE option. A lot of us scrape an existence, so private healthcare is simply a pipe dream.

Saturday, 15 September 2018

A day in the life of a fibro warrior

Before I even open my eyes the pain hits.
Before my brain acknowledges the pressure sensors in my bladder the pain hits.
Before I move a single muscle....see where I'm going?

I lie in bed in agony with my eyes shut dreading the first move I need to make. 
The first move every day is the one for my medication tower.  So with gritted teeth I prop myself up on my screaming shoulder to shovel my morning meds into me. Gone are the days where I used to have to take them one by one, for fear of them getting stuck,  these days I have the skill to swallow 8 pills at once, some skill eh?!

After the effort of pill taking I collapse back on my pillow trying really hard not to groan and moan. This morning it was 6.30 so I really don't want to wake my partner as he will have a long enough day as it is.
The next battle is the one of bladder vs pain killers. Which one will win?
Every day I cross my fingers that it will be the pills because if not it will be the agonising hobble to the bathroom with full on accompanying sound track of moans and groans. 
The bathroom visit feels like an extreme sport. 
Today I held out for 45mintes, woohoo!  At least my meds have started to kick in before I have to put my sore feet on the floor.

Then it's back to bed.

Already exhausted.

Every day the same but every day I'm still surprised by how shit I feel. 
I mean how can EVERYTHING hurt?!
Makes no sense to my nurse brain.
On nights where I've slept well I blame that for some of the pain (from lying in one place for a while longer than I can normally tolerate), but then nights like last night when I had to take pain killers in the middle of the night, it puts pay to that theory. 
I really do feel sorry for my fiance trying to sleep next to me as I must change position every hour, often more frequently if I'm honest.   I'm lucky he still wants to marry me lol (next month! Woohoo!)

By 8.30 I was grateful for my CBD (Cannbidiol) and was at least able to nod off again.

Sadly I was unable to move enough to get up with my darling son.  This is the same 99% of the time. Cue Mummy Guilt.

It seems like my day is ruled by the clock as by 10.30 I'm thinking I could take another dose of pain killers... starting to think how to plan the rest if the days doses as I've now had 2 out of my 4 doses and it's not even midday.
I just about manage get out of bed to say goodbye to my boys as they head out for a while.
What do I do? 
Collapse back into bed. 
The pain is easing by now but I'm exhausted.... thinking about what i might be able to do today....

It's now 12.30. I've been sat on my gym ball for a while doing some stretches and now feel able to move.

No shower or hair wash today, oh no no no. That would put me back to bed for sure.  Plus I cringe at the thought of the water hitting my skin.  It's like hundreds of needles stabbing me. 
Today I'm going with my staple Dry Shampoo and baby wipe combo! 
There's a gift idea for you carers lol
Oh AND CHOCOLATE don't forget chocolate 😂
So half way through the day and I've just got dressed (tracksuit bottoms,  inside out knickers, stretchy seamless bra top and inside out t shirt), and opened my curtains. In that order you'll be pleased to know.  Wouldn't want to scare the neighbours.
Having a quick lie down as a bit knackered from the getting clean and dressed malarky.  Had another dose of CBD and wondering what I might manage this afternoon.  The sun is shining....a drive out in the car maybe,  walking is not going to happen today so it's my scooter or stay in the car.

Anyway I think you get my point by now. You don't need me to give you a blow by blow account of the rest of the day.

The point I'm trying to make is that our pain is not your normal pain.  Remember we've more Substance P in our body's so Fibro suffers feel 10x more pain than the norm.
It's also global,  it's not a case of having a sore back,  or a sore hip.  It's a case of having a sore back,  painful hips,  shoulders,  arms,  wrists,  neck,  toes,  ankles, soles of bloody FEET ffs,  you get the picture.
Add to that our fatigue.
We are not just tired.  This illness is EXHAUSTING.
I didn't sleep particularly badly (for me) either last night, thank you CBD ❤. However with fibro we don't get to the big deep restorative sleep level so we wake up exhausted.
This exhaustion only serves to amplify the pain. 
Of course there's more too it than pain and fatigue but I've kept you long enough.
A big thank you for taking the time to read this far. 

If you're a warrior then this will resonate with you I'm sure.  Share this so maybe your friends and family will understand.
If you LOVE a warrior I hope this will give you some insight, a million thanks to you for caring enough to read this blog.  It means A LOT

Much love and gentle hugs to all

Thursday, 19 July 2018

A good news story (for a change)

It's so nice to be able to write a positive blog for a change.

To recap:
We were made homeless in Ireland. 
Let down by the system completely. 
To be honest both me and my partner were at breaking point. 
The very real possibility of being on the street was horrific. 
I'm in enough pain in my bed 20 hours of the day... take that bed away from me,  along with roof, it didn't bare thinking about. 
That was beforeI even right of my 4yo on the street....

So we decided to STOP.

STOP looking for houses for a while. 

STOP the constant rejections when landlords didn't choose us. 

STOP begging for the help that should be offered.

STOP being made feel like utter crap. 

We will probably be judged for doing this but tbh our mental and physical health was in too much danger to do anything else.

Instead, we took the decision to pack up or remaining possessions, (after we had sold or gave away the majority) and head to the UK for some much needed respite.

We are staying with my parents. My son is absolutely LOVING being with his grandparents, and we are finally not fighting all this shite alone. 

We don't know where we will end up but we did decide that there was something proactive we COULD do. 


We've been engaged for years but been waiting on the divorce (that made us homeless funnily enough) to be able to do so.  

The old clichè We don't have much but we have each other, couldn't be truer.

Obviously it's not going to be a lavish affair,  a small registry office "do" is the plan. 

I'm currently having fun whilst lying in my bed seeing what bargains I can find.  It's amazing what's out there. 

I don't know how I'll cope with the Day itself but I'm hoping a late seated Ceremony and relaxed evening will be doable.

I'm going to pimp up my walking stick and may even pimp up my scooter with some just married stuff lol

If any of you reading this have any tips I'd love to hear them. 

Anyway, as always,  thank you for reading. 
Remember we can't give up people, we HAVE to keep fighting.

Gentle hugs and much love to all

Tuesday, 15 May 2018

I'm Done

I'm sad.
I'm dejected
I feel thoroughly let down.


Some of you may not know of the struggles my family are facing aside from my health issues.

My partner got divorced last year and was ordered to sell the house. 
Pretty standard I guess. 

What's not standard is us having nowhere to go.  Nowhere.

I've lived in Ireland for 15years. Brian is Irish as is our son. 

The Irish government has failed us. 

Last year when we first learned of our fate we engaged with the council and the Simon community. 
All the time when we asked "what if we don't find somewhere?" We got the reply "that won't happen" time and again.  As the months passed and we were getting knock back after knock back "That won't happen " "you'll be fine".
Well 12months later and guess what!!??


We've travelled for countless viewings, meetings in Wicklow council (an hours journey is no fun for me I can tell you), filled out forms galore (not an easy task for either of us with our health issues), begged for help,  been on the radio,  in the paper,  written to MP's, appealed for help from councillors.

Now we are done.  At the end of our rope.
Totally failed by the Irish government. 

HAP does NOT WORK. I believe it's hard for family's who are working but for us? Nope.
Nobody wants a disabled woman,  her child and her carer who's only income is benefits (which have been fought very hard for,  still awaiting appeal decision on latest one but that's another story).  Landlords aren't legally allowed to discriminate but we are proof it happens.
This all falls firmly at the government's door.
Their lack of social housing let alone housing suitable for those with special needs is at the heart of all this. 

So now with a court summons sitting on the kitchen table we are selling our worldly goods (including said kitchen table).

There is NOWHERE to go here in Ireland.  We have no choice but to go for respite in the UK with my aging parents and hope you God we can return to Ireland to a suitable home for my family. 
We simply cannot take any more. 
My health has suffered enough. 

This morning saw email number 4 sent to Simon Harris this year. The previous 3 having gone unanswered. 
He is our local TD and
I've been in touch with him since last year, we can see how much good that has done. 


You see now why I've not been writing my blogs as much as is like.  I've so many reviews to do.  A whole host of blogs on CBD to write. For now though that's all on the back burner. 

Thanks for reading and gentle hugs to all. 
Keep fighting my unicorns ❤

Friday, 27 April 2018

Cannabis: part 1 "What is CBD"

CBD (Cannabidiol ^canna-bid-i-ol) is one of the many compounds found in the amazing cannabis plant, called Cannabinoids.
There are over 100 of them and they all work together in harmony to create what is known as the Entourage effect.

Cannabis and Hemp both come from the same extended family.
Hemp is useful for industrial purposes and has numerous uses but also has high levels of CBD and extremely low levels of THC making it profitable to grow large amounts of it.
Cannabis plants tend to be much higher in THC and can fall into 3 categories Sativa, Indica or a Hybrid of the two. (Hemp is usually Sativa or Finola)
Sativa products are generally more stimulating, whereas indica and hybrids tend to be more relaxing.
(There are always the exceptions though where people fall outside of this norm, we are all different after all so how we respond is likely to differ too.)

It is argued that this difference all comes down to the terpenoid profile. Terpenes are the essential oils of the cannabis family, but we will discuss them in more detail another time.

We each have our own cannabinoid system known as the ENDOCANNABINOID SYSTEM.

Commonly our systems become under used and dormant.  Some illnesses such as Fibromyalgia have been linked to a clinical Endocannabinoid deficiency.
When the ECS is firing on all cylinders, it helps or bodies achieve homeostasis and even treat numerous common conditions.

CBD has been shown to have many wonderful properties.

These include:

Reduce Inflammation
Anti spasmodic
Anti anxiolytic (reduce anxiety)
Anti depressant action
Anti Psychotic
Treat Epilepsy
Relieve pain
Anti Emetic (treat nausea and vomiting)
Treat inflammatory Bowel diseases
Neuroprotective agent
Treat skin conditions
Encourage bone health and growth
Anti proliferation effects ( stops cancer spreading) and anti angiogenesis (cuts off blood supply to tumours) in cancer.
Symptoms of diabetes.

This list is by no means exhaustive but gives you an idea of what a wonder compound CBD is.

It is essential at this point to emphasise what I mentioned initially, the entourage effect.
CBD is great, yes, no doubt, BUT it's even better when combined with other cannabinoids. CBD alone (CBD isolate) has been shown to be less effective when compared with whole plant extracts that contain some of the other cannabinoids.

CBDa, CBDv, CBC, CBG (to name just a few) and of course THC all work  best when taken together.
Different products contain different amounts of each cannabinoid so it is useful to request lab test data to see if you can see what the cannabinoid profile is.
This way you can see if there are higher levels of CBDa to treat inflammation for example.

For me there is no comparison, it's whole plant all the way. 

For help choosing a CBD product to suit your needs, and for details on what products I use to help my symptoms, you're welcome to apply to join our closed group "CBD HAVEN" **

Thanks for reading and good luck on your CBD journey.

Gentle hugs as always ❤️❤️❤️

Future blogs will feature more information on the ECS, Cannabinoids, terpenes, medication and CBD and so on.

** please note we have criteria for joining so do read group description before applying and be sure to answer all 3 questions.

Monday, 26 March 2018

"Just" Fibromyalgia

Your vision blurs and doubles but nothing can be done...its Just Fibromyalgia
You cannot stand bright lights, going around like a Z last celeb with your sunglasses on.. it's just fibromyalgia

You cannot distinguish noise so conversations are hard to hold.... it's just fibromyalgia
Those noises you do hear set your teeth on edge.. guess what?  It's JUST fibromyalgia

Your migraines floor you and your body hurts all over, but you know what?  Is just fibromyalgia
Every day is like you've got flu.  Every step like walking through glue.... Yup, it's Just Fibromyalgia

Trying to hide the grimace from a simple touch, lying in bed recovering from getting up,  you're ok,  it's Just Fibromyalgia

Two words that cover so much "Just Fibromyalgia" yet don't do justice.  Much like "You don't look sick" We should be pleased to hear.
Fibro is the chameleon, for one the battle is fair and days are just a little tough for others days are long and hard and make you think "I've had enough"

But remember you're not alone, there are others that feel your pain.  Together we will keep on fighting,  never giving up. 

So every day think of one thing that makes you smile,  keep hold of that and never forget,  you're not alone,  you're still alive. 

#invisibilityhurts #justfibro