As this year draws to a close with my foot firmly up it's arse to shove it on its way I just about have the energy to write this blog.
It's New Years Eve. It's 6.30pm and I'm in bed, today has beaten me, I've had a little cry at the effort of climbing the stairs, I had a little cry at the effort of eating dinner that Brian prepared. I am beat.
Now I'm lying on my bed trying to formulate sentences.
(I tell you it's a good job pen and paper isn't involved these days because already there would be a pile of screwed up sheets on the floor!!)
You've heard me talk about the pain myself and fellow fibro warriors experience, (I still don't feel I've done it justice though) but I've never really gone into detail on the fatigue element.
You know what it's like to be tired yeah? We all do. I remember being tired. **Insert manic laughter here**
I'm going to TRY to explain the fatigue that comes with Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue (or if you're especially lucky like me, BOTH).
Right now, I'm lying on my back.
The simple life sustaining act of breathing in and out is taking effort and energy.
That's something I can guarantee I NEVER even THOUGHT of when I was well. It's an autonomic bodily function, our bodies are designed to do this without conscious thought.
This "work of breathing" is all I can handle right now.
Hence lying on my back. I cannot sit in bed and do this. Not only because of my pelvic pain, but If you add in sitting in a chair, you have a recipe for utter exhaustion.
The effort it takes to keep your body upright, your back aligned, your core muscles engaged. These things take energy we shouldn't be aware of.
Add to this mix the pain, the nausea, the vision issues, the over sensitivity to stimuli you can see why we find the actual act of living to be overwhelming.
The body is always aware of something. You can never just BE.
There are many of us that have no desire to see the New Year in like days gone by. The noise, the crowds....ugh makes me shudder at the thought.
But you know what? I still have things to be grateful for.
My partner certainly didn't sign up for this but he's worth his weight in gold I can tell you.
My beautiful son, my reason for being, the reason I'm still here.
My my online family, were it not for fibro I would never have met these amazing people, I would never have got involved with CBD and the fight for access to Cannabis.
This has taken me an hour to write and in all honesty I could say more but I'm brain dead.
I'll say goodnight and goodbye to 2017.... You've been SHITE! Lol
If you're heading out have a great night and embrace it!! Seriously, enjoy it, realise how lucky you are.
If you're staying in, you know what!? That's ok!! Don't feel bad, don't feel pressured, do what YOU can cope with. Get cosy, stick a movie on, (if you're especially lucky it won't be Minions for the #5378th time) have a tipple of something you fancy.
Don't over do it though, let's face it you don't want a hangover on top of THIS 😂😂😂😭😭
Sending much love a gentle hugs to all. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
On that note I'll say goodnight and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Remember #invisibilityhurts so share share share