Monday, 7 November 2016

Love hurts

One of these days I'll write an upbeat lighthearted blog post but I'll tell you this straight up it ain't happening anytime soon.

You may hear me talk of pain but it really doesn't mean anything unqualified. So here I'm going to try to describe it a bit better.

Anyone ever had a car crash? You know the feeling the next day when your whole body feels bruised. Let's start with that as your baseline. Then let's have you walk into things repeatedly, knock off things etc so that you are covered in bruises. Now let's have someone give you a dead arm (if you had a brother growing up you will be familiar with this), both arms and legs though. Right. Now fall over and twist your knees and ankles and land hard on your hands so both wrists are badly sprained.
Now do some really bad manual handling and put your back out.
Nearly there. We just need you to sleep awkwardly and get a bad neck.
We will top this off with a banging head like you were on the lash last night, a BIG night out with plenty of mixing of drinks and shots.

Now imagine having ALL of that. TOGETHER. That is just a PART of what its like to live with Fibromyalgia. All day. Every day.

My Allodynia (pain on touch), best way to describe is if someone prods a nasty bruise you have just to "check it hurts",  is so severe that it causes intense pain to just get a simple hug. My partner can't hug me to comfort me, we can't cuddle. My little boy hugs me and I hide (or try to) my pain.
Oh my god don't get me started on the agony when he is crawling over me. All elbows and knees. What can I do!? I can't help it sometimes, I cry out in pain. He's not even 3. He doesn't know why mummy cries so much.

So here I live in agony. In my bed as my pain is so severe and I'm so exhausted it reminds me how I used to feel on nights and not getting any sleep. I can feel a simple crease in the bed sheet. Its like I'm lying on something sharp (always have to check). A tissue is like a stone in my bed. To say I'm not a smiley happy person would be a bit of an understatement. Which makes me feel even more depressed as I am filled with guilt for not being the fiance my partner asked to marry, and not being the mum to my darling boy that I should be.

I had to admit defeat recently as the pain had pushed me to the point where I wanted to give up completely. I had to go to A&E again. This experience was more positive than my previous one.  This time I got a trolley AND saw a doctor!! Thankfully I also got some strong pain relief that brought me back from that knife edge. I also got a plan of what to try until my next hospital appointment.
I think we underestimate the affect pain has on someone psychologically. I know I was unprepared to have so much pain I actually wanted to die. That is not a comment I make lightly. The only reason I'm sharing that detail is so that you, the reader, will know that you are not alone. Or you may know someone with chronic pain, now I hope you can understand why they might be severely depressed. Pain is all consuming. It makes the world black and hopeless.

One of these days someone will find a treatment that will lessen the pain so I can gets hugs off my two men, big and small, without wanting to scream.

Thank you for reading. Sorry. I did go on a bit xxx

Please share folks. Let's raise awareness!

Link to my gofundme page below. As embarrassing as it is to need to ask. This is what it has come to.

Gentle hugs to all 💜💜💜💜💜

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